He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
