apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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