They should really pass out barf bags in church
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
