Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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