Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
