Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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