I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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