my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
