There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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