She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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