It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
