I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
