Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
