You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize