could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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