I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
