I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Randomize
