I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
