i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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