Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So is it bad that I'm using this 21 year old for his hot bod and utter naivety?
No its what 21 year olds are made for
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
