Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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