toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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