I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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