It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
