First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
