I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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