You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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