...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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