I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
