So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
