Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Randomize
