I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
