FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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