i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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