I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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