I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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