seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
