I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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