Don't make out with my wife yet
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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