i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
