I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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