Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
