Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
