if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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