I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
