Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
