shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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