as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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