You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
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