Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
