I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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