the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
