just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I haven't been this sober since birth.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
