I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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