allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
