Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
