just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
