when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize