I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
