Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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